The Slow Return to “Normal”

The birds are chirping outside and it’s a beautiful Saturday morning. The trees outside my window are sporting new buds and the grass is growing at an alarmingly fast rate. We made it to Spring.

Spring is a always a magical time of rebirth and renewal, but it holds special significance this year. The darkness of both Winter and the rock bottom low of the pandemic are now blessedly behind us. The days are getting longer, the sun is brighter, and each day more research is studied, more treatments are explored, and more people are vaccinated. For one of the first times I can recall, I feel incredibly blessed to be an Ohioan. At 33, I have already received my second vaccine dose, while friends in other states are still anxiously waiting.

I ventured out to the department store yesterday. Although I have been in and out of stores for quick trips throughout the pandemic it was the first time I had leisurely shopped in over a year. It was so nice to spend time shopping with my mom and finally getting everyone back up to speed on clothing necessities. We went early in the morning and the store was blessedly empty.

Two hours into our shopping the store started filling up. As more people filtered in I started feeling dizzy and claustrophobic. It can be unnerving for anyone who has been taking precautions in the last year to re-enter normal society, but it’s especially difficult for those of us with social anxiety. I struggled with busy stores and large social gatherings long before the pandemic started. After many years of deep breathing techniques, and exposing myself more often and desensitizing myself to it, I had come to a point where it was rare for me to ever have an issue.

Yet here I was, at the department store in the middle of the women’s clearance section, visibly shaken and feeling defeated. Here I was, back at square one. I told my mom “I might have to bail on you pretty soon”, and just as mothers always seem to know, she knew why.

As we start this new Spring season with family and friends and time spent in the sun outdoors, I feel so grateful for all of the progress made. I look forward to the softball games, barbeques, drinks around the fire pit, kids birthday parties, and time at the local pool. While I am so thankful for gaining back so many things that I missed this past year, I’m okay with taking my time getting back to it.

“True life is lived when tiny changes occur.” -Leo Tolstoy

We have to give ourselves grace, compassion, and more importantly time, while expanding our comfort zones. I have always struggled to set boundaries, and have spent most of my young life as a people pleaser. If there is one thing I gained during the pandemic, it was learning to set boundaries regardless of what everyone around me thought. I will work to carry that gift with me as I go forward.

We are not all in the same place comfort-wise. We are not all of the same mentality, and that’s okay. Differences make the human experience that much more beautiful. I’ll be over here working toward my normal, one baby step at a time.