A New Outlook

I have been battling my emotions for as long as I can remember. It was a scary thing, being such a sensitive child and feeling so different. To see another person yelled at, made fun of, or otherwise hurt, was physically painful to me. The nausea, nervousness and anxiety was very real. I could sit next to a stranger and feel their sadness or anger, as if it dripped off of them and flowed toward me. I could sense that someone had bad intentions, or if someone wasn’t being genuine. Unfortunately whatever magical radar I had, it wasn’t foolproof and likewise today still isn’t. I jump the gun sometimes. I read into things I shouldn’t. I am in a constant state of wondering whether someone may be mad at me with no basis why whatsoever. I’ll lay awake worrying I said something to offend someone. That maybe I’m not doing enough, as a wife, a mother, a human.

I have made attempts in the past to “toughen up”. We are told that if we are too “soft” the world will eat us alive. Surely if I am more self serving, if I have a tougher shell, if I let things roll off of me, life would be easier, right? What I thought was the answer led me to feeling depressed, alone and without purpose. If you are a sensitive individual, then you know what I mean. Purpose is everything. Not money, not fame, but purpose. How can I make a difference? It’s what drives me, the desire for a purposeful life.

I no longer strive to be tough. At 33, I am finally accepting who I am. I am an anxious mess, an imperfect soul, who is finally learning to be comfortable in her own skin.