The Anxious Empath

We are all students in this world.

If we are good students, our life experiences can give us knowledge, help us to grow, and give us what we need to transform into a better version of ourselves. If we choose to turn a blind eye to the teachers around us, or refuse to make an effort to own up to and accept our mistakes, we will never grow and mature.

For years I would dwell on the hardships I faced in the past. Situations I largely brought upon myself. I carried guilt and shame for my mistakes. I was not a good human. I had severed ties with those in my life who loved me, and went seeking toxic relationships instead. I became accustomed to the chaos. It was increasingly uncomfortable to be around happy people, and I was naturally drawn to desperation. Looking back, I assume, this is probably because I was so desperate myself. I was in a cloud of depression so thick I forgot what the light felt like.

I surrounded myself with wounded souls, addicts, and outcasts. I have always had a bit of a Florence nightingale complex, feeling compelled to be a makeshift bandage for the world around me. I was in a vicious cycle of trying to fix the broken, being unsuccessful, and then crumbling further into disrepair myself. It took two suicide attempts, a few years in an abusive relationship, and one experience where I almost bled to death, to bring me to a turning point. It turns out almost dying saved my life. It took months to recover physically. Mentally I think I still am recovering. One of the very first breakthrough lessons I learned was that you cannot save those who don’t want to be saved. The second was that you cannot properly help anyone up if you aren’t standing on stable ground yourself.

I realize today that I am so grateful for each and every painful lesson I’ve learned. They have shaped me into the person I am now. I carry so much more empathy and understanding for others because of it. It has helped me not to judge anyone for their circumstances. If you were born to a loving family like I was, who never struggled to provide for you, your chances of repeating that cycle are high. Poverty, and pain are also, sadly, cyclical. It’s easier to repeat a pattern than to break it and strike out on your own.

During this pandemic I have heard it said that we are in the same storm, but we are not all in the same boat. I think it’s so important to remember that as we continue to navigate the new challenges we all face. Our world needs unity. It needs compassion and understanding. It needs people who are willing to listen, learn, and change. Instead of pointing fingers or creating division and judgement between ourselves we need to be growing together through our struggles, and leaning on one another. The more anonymous we become, hiding behind screens and spewing hateful rhetoric, the further the divide between us all. Somehow we came to a point where it became so easy to say what we think, we forgot how what we say impacts others. How that negativity can continue to grow from person to person. How quickly that negative energy can spread and cycle like an impenetrable cancer.

There is a simple cure for this.

Do good.

Speak out of love.

Spread positivity recklessly.

Wish goodwill on others before you even know their name. Refuse to let stereotypes, social status, race, or education impact your love for another human being. Above all, be an observant student. There are so many lessons for us all to learn.