If you battle with depression, you likely have good days and bad. Highs and lows. Sometimes it correlates to life events and hardships, and sometimes it surfaces when you least expect it. Depression has no rules. There is no calendar, and no periodic schedule that can help me prepare for it. It can cause anxiety when planning activities in advance. I have no idea how I will feel when I wake up each day. To top it off I feel compelled to hide it all. Partly out of embarrassment, and partly to protect those around me from being pulled down with me.
Sadness is a contagion.
So, I don my mask. The mask that shows the world that everything is “fine”. Most people who have emotional issues will tell you that they do more acting daily than a professional actor. Sometimes the acting is helpful and can pull you out of the dark. “Fake it till you make it”, I guess. I assume that for those who don’t experience it first-hand it can be incredibly hard to relate or understand. Most days I do well. Most days are “good” days. I’d like to share with you, however, what a “dark” day looks like for me.
I wake in the morning and immediately wish I could ignore the alarm and go back to sleep. It would be easier to hide myself away from society and stay in bed, but since that isn’t possible, I get up. I don’t care what I look like or what I wear. I muster the energy to brush my teeth, but that’s about all I accomplish toward getting ready.
Every step, every movement, is akin to climbing a mountain. It feels as though I am trudging along with lead feet. I don’t necessarily feel sad; more so just incredibly empty. For me that is the prevailing symptom. Emptiness. Like there is a huge void inside me where normal emotions, and ambitions should be. I can tell you that for the most part the world still continues turning. I do the bare minimum of what needs to be accomplished and I go through the motions to complete the things that I need to do. However, I find myself questioning my worth and productivity at every turn.
I can’t do anything right. I should be a better mother, daughter, wife, friend. I’m should have accomplished more today, this week, in life in general. I’m letting everyone down.
These are the days I go quiet. The days I don’t want to go anywhere, or see anyone. These are the days that the phone calls, text messages, and e-mails will sit unanswered. These are the days I break plans and cancel with friends. The days I just can’t seem to muster the energy for anything.
The ironic thing is, the only way to break this loop is to either wait it out, or to do the opposite of what your depression is telling you to do, which is to isolate yourself. The best way I’ve found to break the cycle is to force myself into the discomfort of doing something. That means putting those jeans on and brushing my hair. It means keeping plans and returning calls. It’s having meaningful conversations with friends and family. It’s being honest with those who mean the most to me. That generally means telling my husband that “I’m really not okay right now.” Or telling my mom “I’m really struggling.”
Whether you have depression or are just going through hardships, it’s so important to communicate it to those that care about you. While time alone can be healing and helpful, too much can be detrimental to your health. There is a stigma about showing and voicing our weaknesses, which is truly unfortunate. We are taught we must be convincingly strong and solid all the time, and that we must constantly show our best self and hide our emotions. I believe differently. There is nothing more daring than honesty. There is nothing braver than emotionally exposing yourself, or asking for help.
There is nothing more human in this world than sharing our faults with each other.
The Anxious Empath 