Today’s children have been brought into a world of instant gratification. You complete a small task, you are rewarded. You take part in an activity, you are rewarded. While positive reinforcement is good and helps a child learn self-esteem, it can cause harm as well. They can become used to the instant reward, the prize for very little work. This can reinforce the idea that their “good enough” is plenty and restrict them from working harder to do better.
Merriam- Webster dictionary describes grit as “firmness of character; indomitable spirit”. Someone with grit is courageous and perseveres despite difficulties, obstacles, and failures. The way to success is to barrel through failures, to keep pushing and trying despite letdowns. It can be a hard lesson to teach.
People with grit are more likely to be happier and earn more money than those without. Future success has more to do with grit than it does a person’s IQ or knowledge base. So how do we go about instilling this in our children? Here are some ideas…
Let your child fail.
This can be hard. I know for me personally I struggle not to swoop in and “save the day”. It can be difficult to distinguish when to help and when to let them fail. Some questions to ask yourself are:
-Will this hurt their self-esteem long term? If not assisting them will result in extreme mental anguish, you need to help.
-Will they learn and grow from this? Your child forgets to put their homework folder in their bookbag. You have reminded often and done it for them. It’s time to let them go to school without it and face the consequences. They will grow from that experience and be more responsible in the future.
-Are they capable? Is it age appropriate? It’s obvious that we cannot expect the same from a young child as we can a tween or teen. Be sure to consider their age and limitations.
Praise efforts, not accomplishments.
Try not to praise too heavily things that come easy to your child. Maybe they get 100% on every spelling test. They are a good at spelling and it comes easy to them. Your child also got an 85% on their history test. You watched them study for it every night for hours. You know they tried their best. This is way more impressive than the spelling score and needs praised as such.
Don’t hide your own failures from them, use them as a teaching moment.
Have you ever tried to fix something around the house and just mangled it even more? Remember, you have an audience. Take a deep breath and say, “well I tried right?” “let’s see how we can fix this”. Let them see you make attempts until the problem is solved.
Show examples of people who have succeeded despite hardships.
If you read the backstory of many successful people like Olympic athletes, political leaders, actors or actresses, authors, scientists, etc. you will likely find tales of failure. Research together about someone your child admires, whether it be someone famous, or maybe someone they have met in real life. Discuss with them the hardships they faced and conquered to be able to get to where they are today.
Grit can be one of the hardest lessons to teach, largely because it isn’t found in a textbook. As with many of life’s most important lessons, it is taught by example both in the home and community around us. Praise your children for their sincere efforts. Failure isn’t the end, it’s the steppingstones to success.
The Anxious Empath 